I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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