Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
