Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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