you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
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