I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I did not marry a roomba.
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