Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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