Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
