tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
