When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It's Friday. Sex?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
