I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
