There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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