so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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