Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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