i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
