drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
