My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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