The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
