y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize