and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
