i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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