my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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