I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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