So drunk its hurt
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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