Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize