I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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