What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
