Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
