Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
