I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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