if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
