please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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