I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
