That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
