I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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