My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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