ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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