I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
