I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize