I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
