At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
