I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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