I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
