you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
