she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
