i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
