I just cut my nipple shaving
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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