Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
