I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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