Only a mothe r could love this liver
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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