My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
