final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
