tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
