Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
