ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
