dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
