ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
