i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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