I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
can u get pink eye on your cock?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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