I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
