Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
