I would go down on you faster than GM stock
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
