I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
