I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
