It was confusing and full of hummus
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
