somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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