Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
