I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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