Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
