My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
