Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
