The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
