ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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