Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
