yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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